Four Things That Make You, You

I’ve got six grandkids (as of today). All of them are under the age of five, and I can already tell how different they are. 

We recently had the whole crew out in Scottsdale for a celebration. I watched each of my grandkids with incredible admiration as they acted out their distinction, even as toddlers. Then I watched my kids and their spouses (all in their 30s), who were revealing their uniqueness daily.

We’re all amazed by the process of human development. How do children and grandchildren become who they become?

I’m also in a season where I feel like I’m talking every week with someone working globally in some way or another—a CEO traveling to Asia to work through a potential acquisition, an entrepreneurial missionary in South America, a nonprofit leader onboarding new African members—and I’m realizing human development questions are as relevant around the world as they are here.

What drives a person? How does anyone become who they become? What are the ingredients that make you, you? I have been intrigued by this idea my entire adult life, but I am not alone.

Others have thought about this. Sigmund Freud comes to mind from history, and Tim Keller, a New York pastor, has done more recent—and readable—work on identity. I’m not claiming to have done as much research as the experts, but I will say that in my CEO coaching work, these conversations are regular occurrences.

I have come to think there are four different streams of influence in our lives that blend to shape who we are and who we will become. Some we are in control of, and some we are not.

Here are the four streams.

1. Our DNA

Even now, I can see the obvious differences in my grandkids’ DNA. One will be short; another has beautiful, fun curly hair. One is reserved and kind of shy; another is fearless and demanding; and yet another one is curious as a cat and full of adventure.

Each has certain gifts, passions, and personality traits that play out in small ways, like a plane taxiing down the runway before taking off into the sky.

We all have these traits. We are who God made us to be. This is tied to what I often call a person’s voice. Part of who you are is hardwired into you, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Sam Kean said, “Genes are like the story, and DNA is the language that the story is written in.” Want to understand yourself? Start by speaking your own language.

Renowned American-British psychologist and geneticist Robert Plomin said, “Genetics is the major reason why people differ in personality, mental health and illness, and learning and cognitive abilities. In essence, the most important thing that parents give to their children is their genes. Your parents’ systematic influence on who you are lies within the genes they gave you.”

 2. Our Upbringing

Sometimes, I ask myself some version of: What if I’d grown up in Montana or Mozambique instead of Mississippi? What if I’d had a different kind of mom? Or had never met Mr. Cherry, Coach Rogers, or Howard Hendricks? How would I have turned out?

Our upbringing is the setting, the context of our lives. And it matters. Upbringing includes who raised you and how they raised you. Where you were raised, and when in history you lived there. Upbringing includes the opportunities you’re presented with and the obstacles you face. It includes the discipline and traditions (or lack thereof) in your home growing up, the kind of formal and informal education you received.

 Aristotle said, “Give me a child until he is seven, and I’ll show you the man.”

Growing up being told you’re a failure impacts you. You might grow up believing it and living into that, or you might grow up determined to overcome it. Either way, it contributes to who you are.

Conversely, growing up hearing, “You are kind. You are smart. You are loved. I believe in you,” roots the psyche of a child in a good place that can hold them until their final breath. 

3. Our Choices

As important as DNA and upbringing are, the conversation can leave you feeling like who you are is on autopilot. Even if there is inertia in your life, you always have the freedom to flip autopilot off and take over—turn left, bank right, avert disaster, or nose-dive.

You can probably relate. Our choices are the levers that alter our lives once we start adulthood.

These choices we make don’t spring out of thin air. They come out of our beliefs and convictions, and they deeply influence what makes you, you.

Imagine identical twins who grow up not only with the same parents and the same socioeconomic opportunities but also with similar mentors and health struggles. Then it’s time to choose where to go to college. One wants an urban campus, and the other wants to be in a traditional college town. They make different choices.

Fast-forward four years. Different classes, different experiences, different opportunities. All stemming from one fork-in-the-road moment of choice. That led to another choice, and another choice, and another choice, all of which contribute to who each of those individuals becomes.

What are a couple of moments in your life where you made a choice that had a lasting impact on who you became?

4. Our Community

In the words of the band Drew Holcomb and the Neighbors, “You gotta find your people.”

If I look back at my own life, I cannot begin to count the ways in which people have shaped me. Were it not for a dozen father figures, I never would have found my footing and confidence. Were it not for Karen and my kids, you probably would not want to know me. Were it not for friends like Ben, Mark, and Henry, I would be less joyful. Were it not for business partners like Tom, Bill, Greg, and Justin, I would have taken fewer risks or the wrong ones.

Each step along the way, the people around me have shaped my choices, my passions, my convictions. They have made me who I am.

Conclusion

One of my favorite business sayings is often attributed to W. Edwards Deming: “Every organization is perfectly designed to get the results it gets.” I wonder if that kind of principle is at play for people. Does the combination of DNA, upbringing, choices, and community contribute to the idea that every person has ingredients that explain who they are?

It’s a bit too formulaic for my liking to say that definitively, but broadly speaking, I think it explains a lot. I’m using these four buckets all the time with clients to talk about growth and development plans—personal and professional, spiritual and leadership, for themselves, for their senior leaders—all of it.

Knowing what makes you, you, helps you identify where you go next—and who you become.